Confusion
by clever.tricks
Summary: Confused, Gary asks some questions, and finds there are some questions without good answers.


_A/N: Written for Goldenlake SMACKDOWN, 2011_

"Gary, hello. How are you?"

"Well, uh, Your Grace, I was wondering about…"

"Yes, Gary?"

"I've been feeling a bit…um, strange, lately."

"Strange? What kind of strange? Sick?"

Um, not exactly _sick_… just odd. It's not always bad or anything, just…" Baird had never seen Gary so reluctant to speak his mind; it must be really serious, he thought.

"Go on, Gary." he said kindly, "There's nothing you can tell me I haven't heard before. We healers are good like that."

"Okay…well, when I wake up sometimes, or think about a certain person, I sometimes feel…bigger and sort of… tingly…down there." Baird smiled with understanding. Young boys sometimes came to him for matters sexual, though he had never known Gary to be so shy with such things.

"How old are you, Gary?"

"Fourteen."

"Well, sometimes boys your age, when they're becoming sexually mature, experience dreams that are sexually arousing, or when they see a pretty girl –"

"That's what I was worried about. I mean, my father told me how babies are made, but…and the other pages talk about it, and some of them are kissing girls and things. But that's always between a boy and a girl. What if it's another boy who makes me…you know. Is there something wrong with me?" Baird stared, taken aback. Then he smiled, his eyes sympathetic, though a little sad.

"Oh, no, Gary, there's nothing wrong with you. Some people are like that, they prefer their own sex."

"Really? But isn't that bad? Sometimes the other pages, or men at court, mention it, but it's always like an insult."

"Well, no," Baird said slowly, "It's not bad in and of itself, as long as any partners you have feel the same way about you. But our society isn't very accepting of it. You may find, especially at court, that few people will accept you if you tell them about that part of you. Have you told this boy how you feel about him?"

"No."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know. Yes, but…only if he…"

"Gary, I advise you to think very hard about whether to tell him or not. You may find he feels the same way, or you may find yourself ostracised."

"Oh…"

"I can't tell you what is the right thing to do, but I want you to have as much information as possible. And –" Baird sighed, but forced himself to say it, "As the son of a duke, and nephew to the queen, you will be expected to produce heirs."

Gary was startled, "I forgot that."

Baird regarded him with his small, kind smile. "Do you have any other questions?" Gary had about a thousand questions -why didn't people like it when boys liked other boys? If there was nothing wrong with him, why did Baird look so sad? Should he tell Raoul, or shouldn't he? – but he didn't think the healer would answer them. Perhaps he wasn't able to.

"Not that I can think of."

"If you think of any, don't hesitate to come to me."

"Thank you, your Grace." Gary got up to leave.

"Gary, there is nothing wrong with you. But it's going to be a hard road you have to travel. You had best prepare yourself."

"Thank you, your Grace." He was half out the door when he collided with Raoul, who was nursing a rather glorious black eye. Gary leapt backwards, blushing furiously.

"Gary, what are you doing here? Is everything alright? We missed you at dinner."

"Nothing! Yeah, fine, just a tummy bug. What happened to your eye?"

"Jon bet me a gold crown I wouldn't dare shove a breadstick down Alan's hose." Gary blushed so hard he felt his face would burn.

"He didn't react well, then?"

"Typical Alan," Raoul grinned.

Though he looked amused, Baird tried to be stern, "You pages. I get more work from you that the rest of the court combined."

Raoul looked abashed and it seemed he was genuinely sorry to have caused the healer more work, "I'm sorry, your Grace."

But Baird smiled and shook his head, "Boys will be boys." He observed Raoul's eye for a second or two then touched it momentarily with one finger. "There." Watching, Gary blushed at the tender care in the healer's touch. If he could, he would run his fingertips over all Raoul's sore spots – knights in training had plenty – and make them all better. But, as he looked at Raoul's dark curls, red cheeks, pubescent body as awkward as Gary's own (well, perhaps not _quite_ as awkward), the healing eye, he couldn't bear to think of the contempt he might see behind those eyes. As they walked back to the pages' wing, and Raoul laughed at one of Gary's jokes, Gary didn't think he could bear to hear unkind words or jeers coming from that same sweet mouth. And when Raoul handed Gary the sausage rolls he had pilfered when he hadn't shown up for the evening meal, Gary felt overwhelmed with love, and knew that he was loved – as a friend, at least. That would have to do. He knew he would never tell Raoul how he felt, because he could never risk Raoul's friendship for anything. 


End file.
